confidence lost

“A bird sitting in a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not on the branch but on its own wings. Always believe in yourself!”

This quote hangs in a frame directly across from my desk, where my eyes cannot miss it. When I first started my own business, I needed the daily reminder that I could do it. That the debilitating health issues that popped up from time to time would not get the better of me, and that I could still be a contributing member of society. Things went pretty well for a few years, to the point that I actually debated taking the quote down and replacing it with something else.

Well, so much for that.

This spring, all my issues came back. I won’t go into the boring details, but suffice to say that I have dragged myself into the office a few days a week to complete the minimum required to stay afloat. Dizzy, brain-fogged and barely able to walk, I certainly could not meet with clients face to face. (Irony of all ironies, I am a functional medicine health coach.) Really, who wants to see the person they are consulting for better health, unable to walk or think?

Luckily, with a background in functional medicine, I have learned how to pull myself out of the swirling drain. Unfortunately, it takes a while, and I usually end up back in the drain several times before I am out for good. So here I am back where I was, a bird desperately afraid that any breeze will knock me out of the tree.

And that’s when it hit me. My biggest loss, when facing health challenges, is not missing out on fun outings, parties or travel…it is confidence. The confidence to make plans, knowing that I will be there. The confidence to know that I can respond if someone needs me. The confidence to be sure that I can handle whatever comes my way. 

Confidence is something that healthy people take for granted. They go about their lives, going to the gym, driving to the office, making appointments…things many of us would aspire to do if we are having a really good day. But when is that good day going to be? It is hard to have a full life when you are keeping everything at arm’s length. 

Would I love to have more of a social life? Yes. But friends in the past have scolded and shamed me when I had to break plans. Would I like to grow my business? Yes. But how can I make plans to speak at an event, or hold my own event, when I have no idea what condition I will be in on said day? I have turned down several job offers, because I need to have control of my schedule. And frankly, I don’t love the chastising I get when calling in sick.

I miss being able to have the confidence to say, “yes, I can do it.” Or “yes, I will be there.” Everything is tentative. 

Loss of confidence is not limited to the chronically ill. I have seen it in athletes, who go back to a sport after spending months rehabilitating an injury. Or for those who suffer a major event such as a heart attack or stroke. My father-in-law, one of the toughest badasses I’ve ever known, became a nervous wreck after his heart attacks. It actually seemed like he felt calmer at the hospital than he did at his own house. In most of these cases, confidence returns after the passing of time. It is not woven into the core of the soul like it is for those whose health setbacks come over and over again. 

For all of us, from the chronically unwell to those who suffer a health “event”, the unexpected nature of health issues is unsettling. The loss of control is a lot to process and accept. And for those of us who have it happen over and over again, it is easy to feel defeated. (It does not help that western medicine typically has no answers for chronic conditions, and doctors can be defensive, condescending and dismissive.) The only thing that has helped me is knowing that my issues are temporary, and I will get better eventually. Just usually not on the timeline I would prefer. 

As for the quote, it will be up in my office for the foreseeable future. This bird needs to rebuild her wings.